No Waiting

What I like most about this current age of computer technology is how it’s sped things up for us. Once, back in the early days of PC’s, you’d turn it on, hit the bathroom, brew a cup of java, and… maybe it would be booted up by the time you got back.

Then, we got newer, faster computers with more applications that could do more stuff for us. And, while our programs loaded (if they loaded at all) the designers put a friendly little “progress bar” on our screens that snailed their way back and forth, hypnotizing us while we waited again.

But, wait, there’s more. That was the message given us on the ads for the M-tel Slice-o-matic and the Magic Egg Smasher.

TV news promises “More to come…” some time during the day, that if we wait until the 11 o’clock news, all shall be revealed.

Meanwhile, the various not-so-smart phone manufacturers tell us to wait for the new version, the new phone, or wait for our call to go through.

And still the computer companies want us to wait for the latest/greatest operating system, hardware, or whizbang that will connect us all through the Ultranet and give us unlimited knowledge.

If I wait for the next model of a car with the Zypp Onboard Navigation System, it will drive me to my destination, drop me off, and tell me to have a nice day.

Conversely, if I wait too long, I’ll miss my opportunity to get this great sale for THIS ONE DAY ONLY! And, I’ll never ever be able to get the same deal on this 800 bazillion-pixel fourth dimensional wrap-around sound/TV/home theater ever again.

And, if I wait too long I can’t get my phone/TV/music/cable/computer/automated home butler and security system butler all packaged together.

At any rate, my coffee is brewed. Think I’ll grab the pen and paper.

A Made-for-TV Christmas

Pardon me while I wax sentimental here. But, did something happen between, oh, I don’t know, A Christmas Story, or even National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation and now? Yes, I know, it’s a rhetorical question. But, how did we get to Holiday in Handcuffs? Or The Twelve Dates of Christmas?

Here’s a brief, brief rundown of Handcuffs. Melissa Joan Hart/kidnapping at gunpoint/weirdly strange family get-together/everyone ends up happy. There was talk of a sequel, but really, how do you top this one?

The Twelve Dates of Christmas has Amy Smart reliving her Christmas Eve date twelve times. Now, there’s an original idea.

Just so you know, there are a blue gazillion of these out there.

Yes, I’ll be the first to admit, I’m an old softie, especially when it comes to Christmas movies and specials (although I do have a special fondness for Billy Bob Thornton’s Bad Santa). I have to watch A Charlie Brown Christmas and Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas! (the animated one) every year. I’ll listen to Christmas carols on the radio ‘til I’m sick of them (so I have to pace myself by listening to some Pink Floyd or a little jazz). I have some of my favorite lines form It’s a Wonderful Life (My mouth’s bleeding, Bert!) and either the Alistair Sim or the Mister Magoo version of "A Christmas Carol" (God bless us, everyone); then, there’s A White Christmas or the companion movie, Holiday Inn. Yep, love ‘em all. Sitting there with my wife and cats, drinking eggnog (no bourbon, please).

But, now, Hallmark channel and one other have gone all Syfy channel by cranking out any kind of variation of a Christmas-themed movie. There always has to be a crisis that’s solved by either elves, magic, or the Big Guy himself (Santa). Or, just plain old-fashioned hard work. I know, I’m not being fair, as I haven’t watched any of these new films. But, it just has the feeling of them selling a product to me. And, perhaps they’re actually good. But, with titles like Holiday in Handcuffs, well…

For me, as Charlie Brown says in timeless fashion, “Linus is right; I won’t let all this commercialism ruin my Christmas."

‘til next time… Adios.

Brain and brain. What is brain?

Ever wanted to control something with the power of your mind? Sure, who hasn't? I always loved all the sci-fi shows and movies where telekinesis played a part.

Well, a few years ago at the Consumer Electronics Show, a game called Mindflex pegged everyone's meters. Released on the market back in 2009, the game itself is pretty mindless. Players wear a headband that picks up their brain waves. Takes a little practice, but after a while you learn how to turn a fan on or off that controls a ball around a track, Rube Goldberg-style.

That was three years ago. Where's the game now?

My research staff tells me you can get it online at places like Amazon, Target, and Toys"R"Us.

There's also a similar version called Mindball from a Swedish company, Interactive Productline.

Wonder if I can buy one just by thinking about it. Hey, maybe I can mentally move some electrons around to make them think I paid for it, too.

'til next time... Adios.

How Low Can We Go?

We always hear about opening weekends in the millions of dollars. But, how about 1000 dollars? Or 100? Or, even 20? Yep, it’s true.

We have all kinds of stats on top-grossing films. So, how about this? What about the lowest-grossing movies?

Ever heard of Zyzzyx Road?  I hadn't either.  Though it hit theaters in 2006, so it's in recent history; and, featured actors Tom Sizemore and Katherine Heigl (not especially known for A-list performances -- think One for the Money), its all-time gross is 30 bucks.  Not 3,000 or 30,000.

 

30.  As in 30 one dollar bills.  I might even have that much on me at the moment.  This came from a total of six people.  Yep.

 

One problem (among oh so many) was that they didn’t distribute it. Y’know, it’s like playing the lottery. You won’t make money if you don’t play. ‘Course, perhaps they knew when they finished that they didn’t have the winning ticket.

 

I'm working up a list of other films that also rank among the rankest of the rank, as far as box office returns.  Stay tuned.

 

Wonder how I can get a copy of Zyzzyx Road?  And, how the heck do I pronounce it?

 

'til next time... Adios.

He Died How?

I’d forgotten how much I love the 1960’s comedies. We just watched What a Way to Go! (1964), one of those zany (yes, I actually used the word ‘zany’) movies with a whole batch of great star-power back in the day. Shirley MacLaine plays Louisa May Foster (got to love that name), small-town girl who tells the story in a series of flashbacks to psychiatrist Dr. Victor Stephanson (Bob Cummings – anyone remember him?), who’s doing the whole 1960’s-Freud-thing, complete with couch. No goatee or fake German accent, though.

Anyway, she’s talking to the Doc because everyone thinks she’s completely gone south as she wants to give away this humongous amount of money, I think it was 215 million. Now, that’s a lot of green stuff nowadays, but especially back then. So, she relates the stories of she came to this amount of money through the premature and extremely ironic, yet hysterical, demise of each of her four husbands.

The not-so-subtle message was that, if you follow a simple, Thoreau-like existence, you will live long and prosper (although not necessarily financially). If, however, you go the monetarily-successful route, you’d best be making out a will. As I hope Dick Van Dyke (Edgar – husband #1), Paul Newman (Larry -- #2), Gene Kelley (Pinky. Yes, Pinky. Not kidding. #3), and Robert Mitchum (Rod – #4) did, prior to their big chills.

So, what were they saying to us, the audience? This was 1964, the end of the Beat Era, but the next counterculture wave was just firing up. On the one hand, three of the husbands did what they wanted, purely, not worrying about money, career. In that sense, they seemed to poke fun lightheartedly at the Youth Rebellion, as it was once termed. But, then again, once they sold out and became uber-successful, driven, mega-millionaires, well, that didn’t work out well for them, either. Louisa did alright, though.

Directed by J. Lee Thompson, he directed films over a span of 39 years, ranging from comedies such as this one and 1965’s John Goldfarb, Please Come Home! (another farcical comedy) to The Guns of Navarone (1961) – a great WWII movie and The Evil That Men Do (1984), a Charles Bronson thriller.

It was fun to see that collection of old-schoolers together and young again, and just having a great time in a rambunctious 60’s fun-fest. Not necessarily one to own, but certainly deserving a watch or two. Check it out.

'til next time... Adios.

No Laughing Matter, continued

Such a sad character Conrad Veidt portrayed, despite his (the character's) severe facial deformity. Mr. Veidt continued to amaze me, scene-to-scene, with his ability to give us so much of what was going on within him. The crowds who gathered to see him laughed, but we, the film-watchers, saw so much emotional pain at times. But, then, when he truly was happy, or content, we saw that, too. Conrad Veidt was an actor of rare and powerful talent.

Just a couple of more bits of trivia before I close.

Our old friend, German Expressionist Paul Leni, directed The Man Who Laughs. Mr. Leni directed two other early classics of horror/mystery, Waxworks (1924), and The Cat and the Canary (1927).

The Man Who Laughs is based on Victor Hugo's novel of the same title, but from what I understand (I haven't read the book), the movie ends a little differently from the novel. Can't say anything more -- spoiler alert.

Originally, Lon Chaney, Sr., was slated to play Gwynplaine, but contractual obligations prevented him from doing so. Probably a good thing, as Mr. Chaney already was in the habit of abusing his body enough for various roles. As it was, Conrad Veidt wore specially-designed dentures with metal hooks to produce the permanent grin. Man, talk about suffering for you art!

The Joker, the main arch-villain of Batman, was inspired by Gwynplaine. At least the permanent smile was. Otherwise, any similarities between The Joker and Gwynplaine parted company severely.

Well, that's about it for now.

'til next time... Adios.

A Storm By Any Other Name

Okay, so what happened? How the heck did we get left out of the event-naming phenomenon courtesy of our friends at The Weather Channel?

East Coast just got through with Hurricane Sandy, which evolved (or, rather, devolved) into Tropical Storm Sandy (although it might have lost its name status when it became a tropical storm), and then, and ya gotta love this, it became Superstorm Sandy. So, first of all, what's the difference between a regular storm, or a tropical storm, and a superstorm? Does it have a cape?

Then, we had Winter Storm Athena (got to make sure we capitalize the words 'Winter' and 'Storm') and Winter Storm Brutus.

So, we just had a 4.3-magnitude quake here in Kentucky and it doesn't have a name yet. What gives? I mean, come on! It rattled seven states. Seven states! Doesn't that count for anything?

At any rate, I feel it warrants a letter to The Weather Channel (cordial, of course) with a few name suggestions. Here they are:

Earthquake Clay -- in honor of a couple of our notable past politicians.

Earthquake Jacob -- good ol' Biblical name.

Earthquake Hamilton -- going back to a good, solid presidential name.

Or, let's jazz things up a little. Since we can have a Superstorm, how about something more dramatic, like:

Building Pulverizer Xena.

And, why stop with just winter storms? Let's keep it going, with F4 Tornado Tess, Windstorm Adam, Rain Event Frederick. Just not sure if anyone would want their name associated with a Drizzle, though.

'til next time... Adios.