What's On?

Working from home today, so I get to do my old favorite past-time of turning on the tube (or the panel) with the sound down and listening to the stereo. Sometimes that's the best way to survive daytime TV.

Well, started things off with the Weather Channel, and I hadn't cranked down the sound before they assaulted me with talk about the world's largest beehive. I see that next I can look forward to an update on tailgating weather.

Nope.

Moving on, I do a little recon on the other channels.

There's a 16 & Pregnant marathon on MTV (which long ago got as far away from its original concept of music television as possible). Oops, I'm missing the 9 AM show -- TV Guide says, "A pregnant cheerleader struggles with her boyfriend to get serious about parenthood in the Season 4 premiere". Season 4?

G4 offers four back-to-back episodes of Cheaters. Private Eyes taping marital infidelities. Oh boy.

TLC (The Learning Channel -- all about learning, right?) gives me A Baby Story -- all about a woman's last month of pregnancy making her crazy. No kidding. What is this? Pregnancy day on TV?

"... a group of people who definitely saw something." That's part of the conversation I heard on Destination America on a channel called DESTD. Show's title is The Loch Ness Monster Revealed. Yup, I've no doubt they saw something...

And, so it continued. Well, at least it's the evening now, the work day is over, and I can look forward to.... WWE SmackDown. On the Syfy channel? What the...?

'til next time... Adios.

Welcome Surprise

Briefcase, briefcase, who’s got the briefcase?

All we knew about The Cold Light of Day when we went to see it recently was that it was a thriller, and it had something to do with a briefcase. And, that was good enough. Usually, I pore over the reviews, then our band of movie fanatics cuss and discuss why we do/don’t want to see something. So, for us to venture into a dark theater with so little information was, appropriately, an adventure.

We got there for the 4:05 matinee, bought our respective snacks and/or drinks, and headed into the theater. Not a soul in there. Too bad for the folks who didn’t go. What a treat this was. I just hope that it did well.

Starts off casually, dad and younger brother picking up older brother Will Shaw (Henry Cavill) at the airport, dad (Bruce Willis, still one of my favorite action heroes) driving. Kind of a chilly drive, too, and I don’t mean the temperature. Destination, the family sailboat (yacht, actually), parked somewhere off the coast of Spain, for a long-overdue (if slightly tense) family reunion.

There’s an argument between older brother and dad, older bro heads off to town to cool off. When he comes back, boat’s nowhere around. Climbing a cliff for a vantage point, he spots it in a cove. Once he makes it back onboard, everyone’s gone. Bruce, mom, brother, brother’s fiancé… all gone. Looks like there’d been a tussle or two aboard.

And, that’s all I can tell you. Otherwise, I’d have to… well, you know.

What follows is a fun, 2-hour thrill ride, with just enough properly placed lulls so you (me, actually) can take a bathroom break. Eventually, we see another of my old favorites, Sigourney Weaver, in a great bad-ass role. And, she does those so well.

We have elements of everything from Bourne to Marathon Man, The Amateur, Leon: The Professional, Three Days of the Condor, and Target. Many of these are gone but not forgotten, and seeing this makes me want to dust them off and pop them in.

Other than Bruce and Sigourney, I wasn’t familiar with any of the rest of the cast. Just found out that our protagonist, Henry Cavill, will play Superman in the upcoming Man of Steel. Gotta say that when I saw an earlier photo of him wearing the red and blue jammies, I thought, nah. But, now, I’m thinking, yeah, the boy can act, and he’s got the right body build, so they don’t have to pad him up much. He first showed up back in ’01, according to IMDb, and he has range. He never had much of an opportunity in Cold Light to do happy, but he did fine with the angry, tortured, confused, sad, and determined.

More on Mr. Cavill later.

'til next time... Adios.

Talk Like a Pirate

Aaarrhhh! It’s Talk Like a Pirate Day, me hearties. So, that bein’ said, set your inner pirate free and git your scurvy hides a’watchin’ a pirate movie afore the stroke o’ midnight. Here be a couple o’ suggestions fer ye, good or bad. Aaarrrhh!

Pirates of the Caribbean (2003), starring Johnny “But, why is the rum gone?” Depp.

The Goonies (1985) – Pirate treasure, a bunch of misfit friends, and a race to save their neighborhood. That’s all ya need.

The Princess Bride (1987) – Andre the Giant, Mandy Patinkin, Cary Elwes, and Robin Wright – “Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya…”

Peter Pan (1960) – pick a version, any version. But, for pure nostalgia, us Boomers gotta have the old TV production with Mary Martin as Peter.

Captain Blood (1935) – Errol Flynn, Olivia de Havilland, Lionel Atwill, and Basil Rathbone. What’s not to like?

There’s five to set your inner pirate free. So, hoist th’ mainsail, have some rum cake, and dig for buried treasure, me hearties. Keep th’ wind at your backs.
‘til next time… Aaarrrhh!

Return of the Revenge Movie Titles

You know the ones I’m talking about. Titles such as Batman Returns, The Return of the Living Dead, The Return of the Pink Panther, Return of the Killer Tomatoes! (yep, the title actually has an exclamation mark – did they really think that would make it more exciting?), Return to the Blue Lagoon (why?), and A Return to Salem’s Lot (once again, why? Didn’t we burn it down the first time around?).

Now, I have a couple of questions. If they’re all returning, where did they go in the first place? And, where are they returning from? And, WHY are they returning? I mean, sometimes the story’s over, and there’s no need to return. Sometimes they overstayed their welcome in the first place, and we’re glad to see them go. And, sometimes, they never really left in the first place. Take Batman Returns. At the end of the first Batman movie, he’s whacked the Joker, and Bats is still living in Gotham City. So, shouldn’t the title be something like, oh, I don’t know, Batman’s Still Here, or Batman Never Left?

Here’s another question. For The Lost Skeleton Returns Again, did the lost skeleton, did the lost skeleton go away, come back, go away, and finally come back. And, if the lost skeleton returned, wouldn’t it be found?

Then, there’s the revenge movies. Revenge of the Jedi (which morphed into Return of the Jedi – guess they had to return before they could do some revengin’), Revenge of the Nerds, Revenge of the Pink Panther (wait… didn’t it already return? Now, it’s revengin’? I’m confused.), Revenge of the Creature, Pinocchio’s Revenge (huh?), and just plain Revenge.

Wonder if there are any movies out there that Return and Revenge in the same film? Just curious.

‘til next time… Adios.

Media Shorts

The Apple iPhone #5 and Resident Evil #5 are both out. Coincidence?

SNL's firing up for their 38th year. How many presidents is that?

We can now see Finding Nemo in 3D. Just like watching a real aquarium.

America's Next Top Model is out. Again. Referring to last week's photo shoot, the Lexington Herald-Leader's Weekender section said, "...all you need to know is one word: zombies."

And, then, there's the TV show Redneck Rehab, where we get to meet our inner redneck.

Shark Attack

Gotta be shark day on Syfy.  Just had Sharktopus on -- a CGI cross between a shark and an octopus.  Right now, it's Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus.

Man, I love these titles.  Just saw an explosion in the water next to a battleship that tossed the island-size shark into the air and over the ship.  And, there we go.  It just now jumped clean over the ship.  So, we talking 'jumping the ship' here?

Okay, after Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus, it's Malibu Shark Attack, then Shark Zone, followed by Sand Sharks. Oh, looky there. Sand Sharks doesn't even have any stars for a rating.  Let's take a look at the guide -- yeah, this sounds promising.  TV Guide says, "Prehistoric sand tiger sharks attack a wild beach party..."  I can't even write that without laughing.

Should I look further?  Sure, why not?

After Sand Sharks is... jackpot!  2-Headed Shark Attack.  Nope, not making this up.  What's not to love about this lineup?

There are more mutated shark movies to follow, but they can't top 2-Headed Shark Attack.

Can it possibly get any better?  Why, sure.  6 AM on Monday morning I can see Get SHARK Clean!  TV Guide describes it thusly -- "This no loss of suction vacuum features a pet hair turbo brush at less than half the price of other brands!"

Just when I thought it was safe to turn on the TV...

Classic Horror Film Club

In a rabid departure from our usual horror or horror/comedy fare, last night's Classic Horror Film Club power-dived straight into the heart of B-movie country.

And, quite possibly the finest film ever made.

Kidding.

Well, we certainly saw the film with the longest title since our band of horror film fans got started – The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!!?

No kidding. That’s really the movie’s title.

Directed by Ray Dennis Steckler (also the star and the producer), he’s right up there with Ed Wood as quite possibly the worst director ever. It’s got everything. A monster movie musical with zombies, carnivals, hunchbacks, gypsy fortune tellers, dancing, rock-n-roll, murder, and spinning hypnotic umbrellas.

Filmed in Terrorama (also known as Hallucinogenic Hypnovision, also known as Bloody-Vision), it tells the tragic tale of Jerry (Steckler), who goes to a carnival with his unintelligible friend, Harold (what kind of accent was that, anyway?), and ultra-beehive-hairdo’d girlfriend Shelly. At the carnival, Jerry is hypnotized by a gypsy fortune teller who sends him into a psychedelic killing spree. What follows is plenty of bad dancing and singing, horrible makeup, and even worse acting. It’s a fun-filled good bad movie that makes Plan 9 From Outer Space look like Citizen Kane.

Filmed for a whopping $38,000 (I’m surprised it cost that much), Mr. Steckler (also known as Sven Golly, Cash Flagg, Otto, Wolfgang Schmidt, or… Cindy Lou Sutters(?)) went on to direct other classics such as Rat Pfink a Boo Boo, How to Make a Sex Movie!! (with the two exclamation marks), and The Hollywood Strangler Meets the Skid Row Slasher. Put those on your wish list.

'til next time… Adios.