Dancing at the Apocalypse

Man, this whole end o’ th’ world thing is just way too much fun. Depending on what source I check out, they’ve all got a different spin. It involves everything from UFO’s and mountain hideaways to planetary and galactic alignment; the Winter Solstice and evil sorcerers; hot-air balloons and Jesus; solar storms and Planet Nibiru.

My take is that the Big Bang Part Deux will occur when they sell out of TV’s at Wal-Mart on December 24^th. All I know is I’m not sleeping for the next two days. Or one day and however-many-hours it is to the Big Show. And, if we make it past then, I’ll see you all at Wal-Mart. I’ll be the one hoarding the TV’s.

 

'til next time... Adios.

Random Brain Ooze

Just clearing out funk that's in all my brain crevices tonight.

Christmas Stuff

Okey dokey, we’ve got the A-pokka-lips comin’ on the 21^st, Christmas on the 25^th. What’s a person to do? Watch cheesy Christmas shows and movies, of course. And, so, here’s a raggedy, rampant run-down of what’s heading our way.

Tonight at midnight there’s Naughty or Nice (2012) on the Hallmark Channel. Hilarie Burton plays Krissy Kringle accidentally gets hold of Santa’s naughty/nice book, which is full of Christmas mojo, and uses the power to her advantage, by discovering who around her’s been bad. But, Krissy eventually learns her Christmas lesson and soon she’s on the Nice side of the Christmas Force.

Tomorrow at 2 PM on Lifetime (yup, The Burning Bed channel) we have The Christmas Blessing (2005), with Doogie Howser. Warning – extreme melodrama approaching. Neil Patrick Harris plays a doctor again in this unrelenting mass or raw emotions involving death on the operating table/going home/dead mom/people from his past/Dad/and, of course, Christmas. Don’t watch this one unless you’re up on your meds for the day.

Weather Channel Stuff

They're continuing with the winter storm naming thing. Now we have Winter Storm Draco. Why can't we have just a Winter Storm Fred or Wilma?

Word Annoyance Stuff

There's a whole lotta retro-fitting of words going on these days. It started a few years back with the new batch of Star Wars movies. First, in '77, there was Star Wars. That's it, just Star Wars. Nice and punchy.  Now, with the more recent entries, they went and renamed Star Wars to Star Wars IV: A New Hope.

Then, Star Trek. With all the various Treks that came out later they started calling Star Trek by the awkward moniker Classic Star Trek, or some such nonsense.

Once, we had stores. You know, places where you walked in and bought things. Now, there's "online stores". So, our old stores are now called brick-and-mortar stores. What if they're not made of brick-and-mortar?

And, mail. At one time it was just mail. Now, with e-mail, the paper form of mail is called snail mail, a dig at the fact that it's slower than e-mail. Slower, that is, unless your computer is busted, or phone lines down, or Internet fried....

Okay, done for now. Maybe I won't have mold on the brain after this cleaning out session.

'til next time... Adios.

Fun With the Apocalypse

Not much time left. I've been scoping out all my favorite web sites -- there's the countdown calendar site, http://www.worldend.org/2012/clock-countdown.html, and as of my last check, we've got a little over 2 days and 4 hours to go. So, I wouldn't sweat it too much if you haven't got all those presents bought yet or the decorations up. This site even has a cool picture of a Mayan pyramid.

And, if you go here, http://www.businessinsider.com/mayan-apocalypse-parties-in-new-york-city-2012-12, this site from Business Insider gives you the inside track on all the cool Disaster Blaster parties in the Big Apple.

Then, for some apocalyptical TV watching there's shows like Apocalipsis Maya on one of the Spanish language channels, one episode coming up at 9 tonight, the next one tomorrow at 9, just getting on the air before the Big Show. Now, on Friday at 10 PM there's The Mayan Apocalypse 2012, which seems a tad bit after the fact to me. Hmmm, what do the Spanish language networks know that we don't?

Next, we have Maya Underworld Real Doomsday (as opposed to all the doomsdays that weren't real) coming up at 10 tonight, something about underwater tombs and human sacrifices, yeah, yeah, yeah, same old thing.

Hey, here's a good one. Zombie Apocalypse at 10 tonight on the Discovery Channel. It's all about how to get ready for invading zombies. Hey, I know all about invading zombies. Just go out Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and you'll see plenty. That is, if we make it through the next 2 days and.... a little less than 4 hours.

'til next time.... Adios.

Butt Dial Takes on a Whole New Meaning

Hold on… my body’s ringing. And, as we range further out into the weird world of tech, Nokia is bringing us vibrating tattoos … I don’t think Mr. Bell saw this down the road when he said, “Mr. Watson, come here. I need you.” But, as far as the next illogical step for where communications technology is taking us, I reckon it follows.

Yep, I'm sure folks will rush right out there to be the first to get hard-wired. Literally. The idea is to use a special tattoo ink with magnetic properties (first question -- if you're tattooed with magnetic ink, would you always walk either north or south?) and when you're receiving a call, a tiny impulse runs through you. It's gonna run through you, not me, 'cause I don't like phones, anyway, and I sure don't want a case of the jumpin' leg jitters every time the phone rings. Can you imagine telemarketers?

Supposedly, just like with regular ring tones, you could set it up so you perceive different impulses depending on who's calling you. Adds a new twist on phone sex, doesn't it? And, what happens during an electrical storm? And, how do you plug in accessories? Just asking.

Don't get me this for Christmas. Please.

'til next time... Adios.

Give the Gift of Technology

Let's take a quick look back at a few Christmas commercials from 1982. E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial was trying to get back home, but he stayed around here long enough for us earthlings to make an Atari video game of the little fellow. Available for just $33.97.

For the audiophile, you couldn't beat a 4-pack of TDK cassette tapes for $6.96. Burning a CD? Not yet, unless you had a time machine.

Want to give the perfect gift to a budding computer programmer? Couldn't do better than the Commodore Vic 20. They could learn the BASIC programming language.

But, if you're wanting to give a gift of a cellular phone, you'd have to wait until 1989. That's when the brick came out by Centel.  Radio Shack had their version, too, for a mere $799.

 

Just think.  We've progressed over this 30 year span to using our thumbs for communication.

'til next time... Adios.

You Can Have Your Case and Eat it Too

And, as far as stupid tech tricks, here’s one for ya. Too busy texting and whatever-else-ing with your latest not-so-smart phone to grab a bite? There’s no need to fear, edible iPhone cases are here. Yup, and as Japan Trend Shop, the company that sells these tech-edible cases warns, not only could some settling occur with shipping, but your nifty eighty-one dollar phone munchies could arrive in your mailbox quite literally in pieces. No problem. This is one of the few (if not the only) times that you can eat the broken tech. Not only is it practical(?), it’s also nutritious, made from brown rice and salt. Not sure about the salt, though, if you’re watching your blood pressure. And, while I hate to be a naysayer, but I’ll go ahead and say nay, anyway. I’m just wondering what geographical section of Japan came from? You know, were there any former power plants nearby? Just a question.

'til next time... Adios.

You Aired What?

Some TV shows last and last. Some shouldn't. And, fortunately (or unfortunately), some barely make it out of the starting gate, dying after only one episode. Here's a short list:

Turn-On (February 5, 1969). This one I remember when it came out, but not much more. It was intended as a Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In variation, but it was just a little too out there and explicit.  Actually, it didn't even finish the entire episode before someone pulled the plug.  Gone.

Lawless (March 21, 1997). Some former athletes can make a go of TV and/or movies (think Alex Karras), and some can't. That was the case with former NFL linebacker Brian Bosworth when he played a private investigator in this one-hit not-so-wonder.

The Internet's a riot, right? Yeah, that's what ABC thought on December 8, 2000, when they unleashed Dot Comedy that featured humorous 'Net material. Some things should just stay at the office.

Told ya this would be a short list tonight.

'til next time... Adios.

It's Getting Deep for Christmas

I saw where the SyFy channel is getting into that good ol' holiday spirit with a Christmas movie. The 12 Disasters of Christmas (2012). Hey, sounds like a joyous time for the entire family. But, what kind of disasters, I wonder? Parking at the stores? Can't get the gift in time for Christmas? The new whatever you bought for your kid doesn't go together, work, or is missing stuff?

Well, let's check out a quick synopsis on IMDb. Nope, nothing so mundane as my ideas. No sirree, they're going full-tilt with nothing less than the End of the World. Directed by Steven R. Monroe, who previously brought us such classics as Mongolian Death Worm (2010) and Ice Twisters (2009), it stars Ed Quinn as Joseph and Holly Elissa as Mary. Uh huh.

In case you thirst for more, here's a hastily assembled list of other Christmas classics. Get your medication ready.

Santa With Muscles (1996) Here's a direct quote from IMDb -- "An evil millionaire (Hulk Hogan) gets amnesia and then believes that he is Santa Claus." Seriously, I can't make this stuff up.

Prancer (1989). I saw this thing at the theater for reasons I can't recall. Years of therapy still haven't helped as I watched Sam Elliott and Cloris Leachman and a reindeer with an injured leg spread some Christmas something all over the screen.

Deck the Halls (2006) with Matthew Broderick and Danny DeVito as suburbanite neighbors in an all-out decorating war. Ho ho ho!  And, yes, I paid good money to see that one, too.  I don't know.  Something in the air, I guess.

And, for a little TV nostalgia, there's The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978) with Bea Arthur, Art Carney, Diahann Carroll, and The Jefferson Starship helping a batch of Wookies celebrate Life Day. Yup. It's true.

Well, that's about all the Christmas joy I can toss your way this time.

'til next time... Adios.

Whatever the Weather

Weather is everywhere. Just check out the Weather Channel, and you'll know that for certain. There are shows dealing with extreme weather, weather that's been filmed, weather messing with people on their jobs (Iron Men, Ice Pilots, Turbine Cowboys -- can there be maverick turbines, out there churning up the air, roaming the desert?), and now we have a new show approaching like a tornado "event". Deadliest Space Weather.

Now, that just strikes me as a tad bit odd. If you're in space, there is no weather. No air, no weather. Unless they're talking about weather on other planets. And, then, who's it deadly to? Us? Sure. But, it might just be a breath of fresh air (yeah, I know, bad pun) to an E.T.

Maybe they're talking about meteor storms. Or, solar storms. Wonder if that's covered with insurance?

'til next time... Adios.

Not So Smart Phones

Now, we can personalize our smartphones, dress them up, give them names. I can’t repeat the name I have for mine.

We can even accessorize them, yet one more step towards the day when we become one with our technology (resistance is futile). I’ve heard that by 2047 we'll be able to implant USB ports in our heads. No, just kidding. At least I hope I am. While we’re not quite to that stage yet, here are some curious and strange accessories to pretty up the little smart a** beasts.

For the really serious drinkers out there, you can get a breathalyzer for 40 bucks. Some really sort of strange, twisted irony if you’re involved in a car wreck while running a breathalyzer test on yourself with your iPhone.

You really don’t want to drive with this one, although I’m betting that someone probably will. Since you can watch TV on your iPhone, you can now get a hat with a really long bill and really long side visors to block out external distractions. Your iPhone slides in the far end of the bill, and you can watch TV without any annoying distractions liked oncoming traffic. Yeah, that's a good idea.

A diamond-edged iPhone case. Sure, why not? I don’t believe the previous two accessories, anyway.

And, of course, there’s the iPhone bicycle handlebar mount. Well, you know, Darwin was right. This will thin out the herd.

Finally, for the retro gadgeteer, there’s an old-style telephone handset that plugs right into your smartphone.

Well, I know what I’m getting everyone for Christmas.

'til next time... Adios.

Sometimes We All Go a Little Mad

First, a plug for the Tates Creek Branch of the Lexington Public Library.  They're the ones who make our Classic Horror Film Club (or, the Scoobies, as I affectionately refer to us) possible. They provide us with a place to watch these great films, the means to watch them, snacks, drinks, and the movies. A tip o' th' hat, please, to everyone there who makes this possible. Check them out at http://www.lexpublib.org/location/tates-creek-branch. When you get to their site, scroll down the page to see info on our film group, and a link for additional info.

And, now, on to the show. Last night's classic was Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho (1960). It had been many a year since I saw it, and I'd forgotten just how good it was.

Soon after it began, the room around me faded as the Master's hand took over. I slipped inside the film, or it slipped inside me, not really sure which. I could have been anywhere. My basement, on a beach, who knows? Didn’t matter. I was entranced, under the spell of the movie. All the elements came together beautifully, flowing into one masterwork.

From the beginning, we’re given a feeling of something not quite right, as the camera shot swoops down toward an open window in a hotel, and we peer inside, voyeuristically, to see a man and woman putting themselves together after a lunch-hour rendezvous.

Soon, we’re led on a trip with a woman on-the-run. We feel for her. She’s not a bad person, just someone who’s made a mistake. We want her to be okay, to straighten things out. This could be any one of us in trouble. Hitchcock always puts that element of danger in there, involving us intimately with the people in his films. There’s always the feeling of “This could be me.”

I can’t tell you much about the plot, as that would spoil the unveiling of everything. But, most anyone knows the story, even if they’ve never seen Psycho. Our woman-in-trouble eventually ends up at… the Bates Motel, run by Norman Bates, a name more famous even than Hannibal Lecter, or Darth Vader. “The highway doesn’t stop here anymore,” Norman tells guests, a hint of sadness/madness in his voice. I need to spend some time watching other Anthony Perkins films, because I want to see what else he’s capable of. His performance was so finely tuned and nuanced as the twitchy but nice, demonic but possessed Norman, that I see him as just that character. A man whose “… best friend is his mother.”

And, here’s one of the (among many) interesting things about this film. It is nearly impossible to fit into that box we call ‘genre’. Is it horror? Well, yes. There are classic horror elements (can anyone say ‘shower scene’?). Is it drama? Yes, and I don’t mean drama the way it’s thrown around today, as in “There’s way too much drama in my life”, I mean drama as a movie with a serious frame of mind. Is it a thriller? You betcha. Mystery? Yup, as in what’s she gonna do next? What’s he gonna do next? I think the truly great films are those that you just can’t categorize all nice and easy.

To think that Hitch achieved this beautifully suspenseful film with suggestion, implication, and innuendo. All the now-famous scenes happen with no blatant sex or violence. Everything happens by means of illusion. Mr. Hitchcock is a magician. While we’re looking over here, he’s doing something else over there. Was that? Did I just see someone stab her many times? Maybe, maybe not. In that opening scene that looked so clandestine, so explicit, did that couple make love? Well, they could have. Or not. This film is proof that the most powerful films are those that get inside your head and manipulate your thoughts and emotions.

Psycho also produces conflict within us, the viewers. Norman’s a nice guy. Twitchy but nice. Lots of twitchy but nice folks running around. He’s got a tough job, taking care of this old motel long after most people would’ve given up and moved on. He also takes care of dear old mom. And, yet… he’s capable of some really bad things. So, here we are, sympathizing with this guy who’s doing bad stuff. Yeah, that’s some serious film work there – acting, plot, writing, and directing. And, here’s a poignant bit of trivia for you. This was the last time Big Al would get a Best Director nomination for the little golden guy. Never got one an award, until he got the Irving G. Thalberg Memorial Award in 1968 for producers.

Only one part that didn’t quite fit, near the end. My band of Scoobies all talked this over last night. We get a long dissertation on Norman’s psychosis that’s heading toward boring and unnecessary. Coulda been left out, or at least shorter. Most likely, that was put in after some consideration so the masses would “get it”. Sometimes, though, we’re capable of putting things together on our own. And, sometimes, it isn’t necessary to fill in all the blanks. A little mystery helps to make a good mystery. Just didn’t feel like a Hitchcock moment. Other than that, Psycho is nothing less than stellar. Watch it, get scared by it, enjoy it. And, don’t let Norman get you.

'til next time... Adios.

As Seen On TV

Yeah, I'm back to watching Mindless Drivel on the panel with the sound down. The good thing is, though, that the sound's down. Bad thing, though, is with the sound down I can REALLY focus on how inane some (most?) commercials are. At this point I'm not sure what's more ridiculous -- the commercials, or the fact I'm even attempting to watch them.

And, right off, we have the WaxVac. Starts off with some idiot jamming a Q-Tip into his ear like he's trying to open a beer. And, of course, it hurts. The solution? This little device that looks like a disintegrator ray gun that you jam in your ear, then vacuum out the problem substance(s). And, that is better than using a Q-Tip. Uh huh.

Looks like fully half the ads I'm seeing out there involve an iPhone, iPad, or i-Whatever.

Ah, and there goes the woman with the ultra-stylized Dyson vacuum thingies. Wonder why they never have guys demonstrating the things?

Oh, yeah, and here's Justin Bieber alongside Edmund Gwenn (as Santa Claus from Miracle on 34th Street) advertising for Macy's. Poor Santa.

And then there's Campbell's Soup. If you eat their new, healthy line, you can be a synchronized swimmer or tap dance.

Looks like most of the ads are either for food and/or tech. Yeah, sounds about right.

At any rate, I'm hungry now. Gonna get a pizza and play Angry Birds.

'til next time... Adios.

You Would Expect to Pay...

But, wait, there’s more. Once upon a time, back with the Ghost of Christmas past, we had Ronco (I really miss Ronco – that’s how I knew it was getting close to Christmas, when we saw the latest Ronco gadgets and gimmicks advertised). We had the Veg-o-Matic, the Pocket Fisherman, the Inside the Shell Egg Scrambler, and much, much more.

Now, Ronco’s gone (more or less), but its spirit lives on. Here are few samplings of high-tech gifts, past and present, mundane and insane. Some of these fine products may no longer be with us, having ridden the Extinction Train to that Great Electronic Bone Yard. And, some I might just have made up myself. Shhh. Don’t tell anyone. I might want to invent one:

Wireless Karaoke Machine. Yep, now we can all sing bad songs badly without wires. Uh, isn’t that just Mr. Microphone? “Hey, good lookin’... we’ll be back to pick you up later”.

Get ready, folks! The new Furby is out. Be prepared to talk to it in its native language (Furbish – rhymes with rubbish). I checked out one of the sites for some updated Furby info, and it seems the little fur-ball is capable of expressing several annoying emotions, including angry. Angry? Yeah, that’s what I want in my house, an angry Furby. Nuh uh. I’ve seen Gremlins and also those horror movies with the satan-possessed dolls. Nope, no sir, no thank you.

Here’s one for ya. It’s a memory stick. No! It’s a lighter. Yup, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought, Man! I sure wish someone would invent a lighter/memory stick. Well, now we’ve got one. Stuck on what to get the nicotine-aholic/cyber-junkie in your family? Ta-daaaa! Just one question. When the lighter runs out of fuel, does the memory go bye-bye? www.memlite.com

Probably a really good thing this one went away. Back in 2004, before we were blindly walking across eight lanes of traffic while texting, a company called Eyetop came out with... drum roll, please...a DVD player and sunglasses combo. Yup, the way it was supposed to work was you looked through the left eyepiece (the sunglasses part) and with your right eye you watch the video in the right eyepiece. Yeah, I could do that and drive. Sure, why not?

Man, I sure miss Ronco.