Dancing at the Apocalypse

Man, this whole end o’ th’ world thing is just way too much fun. Depending on what source I check out, they’ve all got a different spin. It involves everything from UFO’s and mountain hideaways to planetary and galactic alignment; the Winter Solstice and evil sorcerers; hot-air balloons and Jesus; solar storms and Planet Nibiru.

My take is that the Big Bang Part Deux will occur when they sell out of TV’s at Wal-Mart on December 24^th. All I know is I’m not sleeping for the next two days. Or one day and however-many-hours it is to the Big Show. And, if we make it past then, I’ll see you all at Wal-Mart. I’ll be the one hoarding the TV’s.

 

'til next time... Adios.

Random Brain Ooze

Just clearing out funk that's in all my brain crevices tonight.

Christmas Stuff

Okey dokey, we’ve got the A-pokka-lips comin’ on the 21^st, Christmas on the 25^th. What’s a person to do? Watch cheesy Christmas shows and movies, of course. And, so, here’s a raggedy, rampant run-down of what’s heading our way.

Tonight at midnight there’s Naughty or Nice (2012) on the Hallmark Channel. Hilarie Burton plays Krissy Kringle accidentally gets hold of Santa’s naughty/nice book, which is full of Christmas mojo, and uses the power to her advantage, by discovering who around her’s been bad. But, Krissy eventually learns her Christmas lesson and soon she’s on the Nice side of the Christmas Force.

Tomorrow at 2 PM on Lifetime (yup, The Burning Bed channel) we have The Christmas Blessing (2005), with Doogie Howser. Warning – extreme melodrama approaching. Neil Patrick Harris plays a doctor again in this unrelenting mass or raw emotions involving death on the operating table/going home/dead mom/people from his past/Dad/and, of course, Christmas. Don’t watch this one unless you’re up on your meds for the day.

Weather Channel Stuff

They're continuing with the winter storm naming thing. Now we have Winter Storm Draco. Why can't we have just a Winter Storm Fred or Wilma?

Word Annoyance Stuff

There's a whole lotta retro-fitting of words going on these days. It started a few years back with the new batch of Star Wars movies. First, in '77, there was Star Wars. That's it, just Star Wars. Nice and punchy.  Now, with the more recent entries, they went and renamed Star Wars to Star Wars IV: A New Hope.

Then, Star Trek. With all the various Treks that came out later they started calling Star Trek by the awkward moniker Classic Star Trek, or some such nonsense.

Once, we had stores. You know, places where you walked in and bought things. Now, there's "online stores". So, our old stores are now called brick-and-mortar stores. What if they're not made of brick-and-mortar?

And, mail. At one time it was just mail. Now, with e-mail, the paper form of mail is called snail mail, a dig at the fact that it's slower than e-mail. Slower, that is, unless your computer is busted, or phone lines down, or Internet fried....

Okay, done for now. Maybe I won't have mold on the brain after this cleaning out session.

'til next time... Adios.

Fun With the Apocalypse

Not much time left. I've been scoping out all my favorite web sites -- there's the countdown calendar site, http://www.worldend.org/2012/clock-countdown.html, and as of my last check, we've got a little over 2 days and 4 hours to go. So, I wouldn't sweat it too much if you haven't got all those presents bought yet or the decorations up. This site even has a cool picture of a Mayan pyramid.

And, if you go here, http://www.businessinsider.com/mayan-apocalypse-parties-in-new-york-city-2012-12, this site from Business Insider gives you the inside track on all the cool Disaster Blaster parties in the Big Apple.

Then, for some apocalyptical TV watching there's shows like Apocalipsis Maya on one of the Spanish language channels, one episode coming up at 9 tonight, the next one tomorrow at 9, just getting on the air before the Big Show. Now, on Friday at 10 PM there's The Mayan Apocalypse 2012, which seems a tad bit after the fact to me. Hmmm, what do the Spanish language networks know that we don't?

Next, we have Maya Underworld Real Doomsday (as opposed to all the doomsdays that weren't real) coming up at 10 tonight, something about underwater tombs and human sacrifices, yeah, yeah, yeah, same old thing.

Hey, here's a good one. Zombie Apocalypse at 10 tonight on the Discovery Channel. It's all about how to get ready for invading zombies. Hey, I know all about invading zombies. Just go out Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and you'll see plenty. That is, if we make it through the next 2 days and.... a little less than 4 hours.

'til next time.... Adios.

Butt Dial Takes on a Whole New Meaning

Hold on… my body’s ringing. And, as we range further out into the weird world of tech, Nokia is bringing us vibrating tattoos … I don’t think Mr. Bell saw this down the road when he said, “Mr. Watson, come here. I need you.” But, as far as the next illogical step for where communications technology is taking us, I reckon it follows.

Yep, I'm sure folks will rush right out there to be the first to get hard-wired. Literally. The idea is to use a special tattoo ink with magnetic properties (first question -- if you're tattooed with magnetic ink, would you always walk either north or south?) and when you're receiving a call, a tiny impulse runs through you. It's gonna run through you, not me, 'cause I don't like phones, anyway, and I sure don't want a case of the jumpin' leg jitters every time the phone rings. Can you imagine telemarketers?

Supposedly, just like with regular ring tones, you could set it up so you perceive different impulses depending on who's calling you. Adds a new twist on phone sex, doesn't it? And, what happens during an electrical storm? And, how do you plug in accessories? Just asking.

Don't get me this for Christmas. Please.

'til next time... Adios.

Give the Gift of Technology

Let's take a quick look back at a few Christmas commercials from 1982. E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial was trying to get back home, but he stayed around here long enough for us earthlings to make an Atari video game of the little fellow. Available for just $33.97.

For the audiophile, you couldn't beat a 4-pack of TDK cassette tapes for $6.96. Burning a CD? Not yet, unless you had a time machine.

Want to give the perfect gift to a budding computer programmer? Couldn't do better than the Commodore Vic 20. They could learn the BASIC programming language.

But, if you're wanting to give a gift of a cellular phone, you'd have to wait until 1989. That's when the brick came out by Centel.  Radio Shack had their version, too, for a mere $799.

 

Just think.  We've progressed over this 30 year span to using our thumbs for communication.

'til next time... Adios.

You Can Have Your Case and Eat it Too

And, as far as stupid tech tricks, here’s one for ya. Too busy texting and whatever-else-ing with your latest not-so-smart phone to grab a bite? There’s no need to fear, edible iPhone cases are here. Yup, and as Japan Trend Shop, the company that sells these tech-edible cases warns, not only could some settling occur with shipping, but your nifty eighty-one dollar phone munchies could arrive in your mailbox quite literally in pieces. No problem. This is one of the few (if not the only) times that you can eat the broken tech. Not only is it practical(?), it’s also nutritious, made from brown rice and salt. Not sure about the salt, though, if you’re watching your blood pressure. And, while I hate to be a naysayer, but I’ll go ahead and say nay, anyway. I’m just wondering what geographical section of Japan came from? You know, were there any former power plants nearby? Just a question.

'til next time... Adios.

You Aired What?

Some TV shows last and last. Some shouldn't. And, fortunately (or unfortunately), some barely make it out of the starting gate, dying after only one episode. Here's a short list:

Turn-On (February 5, 1969). This one I remember when it came out, but not much more. It was intended as a Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In variation, but it was just a little too out there and explicit.  Actually, it didn't even finish the entire episode before someone pulled the plug.  Gone.

Lawless (March 21, 1997). Some former athletes can make a go of TV and/or movies (think Alex Karras), and some can't. That was the case with former NFL linebacker Brian Bosworth when he played a private investigator in this one-hit not-so-wonder.

The Internet's a riot, right? Yeah, that's what ABC thought on December 8, 2000, when they unleashed Dot Comedy that featured humorous 'Net material. Some things should just stay at the office.

Told ya this would be a short list tonight.

'til next time... Adios.

It's Getting Deep for Christmas

I saw where the SyFy channel is getting into that good ol' holiday spirit with a Christmas movie. The 12 Disasters of Christmas (2012). Hey, sounds like a joyous time for the entire family. But, what kind of disasters, I wonder? Parking at the stores? Can't get the gift in time for Christmas? The new whatever you bought for your kid doesn't go together, work, or is missing stuff?

Well, let's check out a quick synopsis on IMDb. Nope, nothing so mundane as my ideas. No sirree, they're going full-tilt with nothing less than the End of the World. Directed by Steven R. Monroe, who previously brought us such classics as Mongolian Death Worm (2010) and Ice Twisters (2009), it stars Ed Quinn as Joseph and Holly Elissa as Mary. Uh huh.

In case you thirst for more, here's a hastily assembled list of other Christmas classics. Get your medication ready.

Santa With Muscles (1996) Here's a direct quote from IMDb -- "An evil millionaire (Hulk Hogan) gets amnesia and then believes that he is Santa Claus." Seriously, I can't make this stuff up.

Prancer (1989). I saw this thing at the theater for reasons I can't recall. Years of therapy still haven't helped as I watched Sam Elliott and Cloris Leachman and a reindeer with an injured leg spread some Christmas something all over the screen.

Deck the Halls (2006) with Matthew Broderick and Danny DeVito as suburbanite neighbors in an all-out decorating war. Ho ho ho!  And, yes, I paid good money to see that one, too.  I don't know.  Something in the air, I guess.

And, for a little TV nostalgia, there's The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978) with Bea Arthur, Art Carney, Diahann Carroll, and The Jefferson Starship helping a batch of Wookies celebrate Life Day. Yup. It's true.

Well, that's about all the Christmas joy I can toss your way this time.

'til next time... Adios.

Whatever the Weather

Weather is everywhere. Just check out the Weather Channel, and you'll know that for certain. There are shows dealing with extreme weather, weather that's been filmed, weather messing with people on their jobs (Iron Men, Ice Pilots, Turbine Cowboys -- can there be maverick turbines, out there churning up the air, roaming the desert?), and now we have a new show approaching like a tornado "event". Deadliest Space Weather.

Now, that just strikes me as a tad bit odd. If you're in space, there is no weather. No air, no weather. Unless they're talking about weather on other planets. And, then, who's it deadly to? Us? Sure. But, it might just be a breath of fresh air (yeah, I know, bad pun) to an E.T.

Maybe they're talking about meteor storms. Or, solar storms. Wonder if that's covered with insurance?

'til next time... Adios.

Not So Smart Phones

Now, we can personalize our smartphones, dress them up, give them names. I can’t repeat the name I have for mine.

We can even accessorize them, yet one more step towards the day when we become one with our technology (resistance is futile). I’ve heard that by 2047 we'll be able to implant USB ports in our heads. No, just kidding. At least I hope I am. While we’re not quite to that stage yet, here are some curious and strange accessories to pretty up the little smart a** beasts.

For the really serious drinkers out there, you can get a breathalyzer for 40 bucks. Some really sort of strange, twisted irony if you’re involved in a car wreck while running a breathalyzer test on yourself with your iPhone.

You really don’t want to drive with this one, although I’m betting that someone probably will. Since you can watch TV on your iPhone, you can now get a hat with a really long bill and really long side visors to block out external distractions. Your iPhone slides in the far end of the bill, and you can watch TV without any annoying distractions liked oncoming traffic. Yeah, that's a good idea.

A diamond-edged iPhone case. Sure, why not? I don’t believe the previous two accessories, anyway.

And, of course, there’s the iPhone bicycle handlebar mount. Well, you know, Darwin was right. This will thin out the herd.

Finally, for the retro gadgeteer, there’s an old-style telephone handset that plugs right into your smartphone.

Well, I know what I’m getting everyone for Christmas.

'til next time... Adios.

Sometimes We All Go a Little Mad

First, a plug for the Tates Creek Branch of the Lexington Public Library.  They're the ones who make our Classic Horror Film Club (or, the Scoobies, as I affectionately refer to us) possible. They provide us with a place to watch these great films, the means to watch them, snacks, drinks, and the movies. A tip o' th' hat, please, to everyone there who makes this possible. Check them out at http://www.lexpublib.org/location/tates-creek-branch. When you get to their site, scroll down the page to see info on our film group, and a link for additional info.

And, now, on to the show. Last night's classic was Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho (1960). It had been many a year since I saw it, and I'd forgotten just how good it was.

Soon after it began, the room around me faded as the Master's hand took over. I slipped inside the film, or it slipped inside me, not really sure which. I could have been anywhere. My basement, on a beach, who knows? Didn’t matter. I was entranced, under the spell of the movie. All the elements came together beautifully, flowing into one masterwork.

From the beginning, we’re given a feeling of something not quite right, as the camera shot swoops down toward an open window in a hotel, and we peer inside, voyeuristically, to see a man and woman putting themselves together after a lunch-hour rendezvous.

Soon, we’re led on a trip with a woman on-the-run. We feel for her. She’s not a bad person, just someone who’s made a mistake. We want her to be okay, to straighten things out. This could be any one of us in trouble. Hitchcock always puts that element of danger in there, involving us intimately with the people in his films. There’s always the feeling of “This could be me.”

I can’t tell you much about the plot, as that would spoil the unveiling of everything. But, most anyone knows the story, even if they’ve never seen Psycho. Our woman-in-trouble eventually ends up at… the Bates Motel, run by Norman Bates, a name more famous even than Hannibal Lecter, or Darth Vader. “The highway doesn’t stop here anymore,” Norman tells guests, a hint of sadness/madness in his voice. I need to spend some time watching other Anthony Perkins films, because I want to see what else he’s capable of. His performance was so finely tuned and nuanced as the twitchy but nice, demonic but possessed Norman, that I see him as just that character. A man whose “… best friend is his mother.”

And, here’s one of the (among many) interesting things about this film. It is nearly impossible to fit into that box we call ‘genre’. Is it horror? Well, yes. There are classic horror elements (can anyone say ‘shower scene’?). Is it drama? Yes, and I don’t mean drama the way it’s thrown around today, as in “There’s way too much drama in my life”, I mean drama as a movie with a serious frame of mind. Is it a thriller? You betcha. Mystery? Yup, as in what’s she gonna do next? What’s he gonna do next? I think the truly great films are those that you just can’t categorize all nice and easy.

To think that Hitch achieved this beautifully suspenseful film with suggestion, implication, and innuendo. All the now-famous scenes happen with no blatant sex or violence. Everything happens by means of illusion. Mr. Hitchcock is a magician. While we’re looking over here, he’s doing something else over there. Was that? Did I just see someone stab her many times? Maybe, maybe not. In that opening scene that looked so clandestine, so explicit, did that couple make love? Well, they could have. Or not. This film is proof that the most powerful films are those that get inside your head and manipulate your thoughts and emotions.

Psycho also produces conflict within us, the viewers. Norman’s a nice guy. Twitchy but nice. Lots of twitchy but nice folks running around. He’s got a tough job, taking care of this old motel long after most people would’ve given up and moved on. He also takes care of dear old mom. And, yet… he’s capable of some really bad things. So, here we are, sympathizing with this guy who’s doing bad stuff. Yeah, that’s some serious film work there – acting, plot, writing, and directing. And, here’s a poignant bit of trivia for you. This was the last time Big Al would get a Best Director nomination for the little golden guy. Never got one an award, until he got the Irving G. Thalberg Memorial Award in 1968 for producers.

Only one part that didn’t quite fit, near the end. My band of Scoobies all talked this over last night. We get a long dissertation on Norman’s psychosis that’s heading toward boring and unnecessary. Coulda been left out, or at least shorter. Most likely, that was put in after some consideration so the masses would “get it”. Sometimes, though, we’re capable of putting things together on our own. And, sometimes, it isn’t necessary to fill in all the blanks. A little mystery helps to make a good mystery. Just didn’t feel like a Hitchcock moment. Other than that, Psycho is nothing less than stellar. Watch it, get scared by it, enjoy it. And, don’t let Norman get you.

'til next time... Adios.

As Seen On TV

Yeah, I'm back to watching Mindless Drivel on the panel with the sound down. The good thing is, though, that the sound's down. Bad thing, though, is with the sound down I can REALLY focus on how inane some (most?) commercials are. At this point I'm not sure what's more ridiculous -- the commercials, or the fact I'm even attempting to watch them.

And, right off, we have the WaxVac. Starts off with some idiot jamming a Q-Tip into his ear like he's trying to open a beer. And, of course, it hurts. The solution? This little device that looks like a disintegrator ray gun that you jam in your ear, then vacuum out the problem substance(s). And, that is better than using a Q-Tip. Uh huh.

Looks like fully half the ads I'm seeing out there involve an iPhone, iPad, or i-Whatever.

Ah, and there goes the woman with the ultra-stylized Dyson vacuum thingies. Wonder why they never have guys demonstrating the things?

Oh, yeah, and here's Justin Bieber alongside Edmund Gwenn (as Santa Claus from Miracle on 34th Street) advertising for Macy's. Poor Santa.

And then there's Campbell's Soup. If you eat their new, healthy line, you can be a synchronized swimmer or tap dance.

Looks like most of the ads are either for food and/or tech. Yeah, sounds about right.

At any rate, I'm hungry now. Gonna get a pizza and play Angry Birds.

'til next time... Adios.

You Would Expect to Pay...

But, wait, there’s more. Once upon a time, back with the Ghost of Christmas past, we had Ronco (I really miss Ronco – that’s how I knew it was getting close to Christmas, when we saw the latest Ronco gadgets and gimmicks advertised). We had the Veg-o-Matic, the Pocket Fisherman, the Inside the Shell Egg Scrambler, and much, much more.

Now, Ronco’s gone (more or less), but its spirit lives on. Here are few samplings of high-tech gifts, past and present, mundane and insane. Some of these fine products may no longer be with us, having ridden the Extinction Train to that Great Electronic Bone Yard. And, some I might just have made up myself. Shhh. Don’t tell anyone. I might want to invent one:

Wireless Karaoke Machine. Yep, now we can all sing bad songs badly without wires. Uh, isn’t that just Mr. Microphone? “Hey, good lookin’... we’ll be back to pick you up later”.

Get ready, folks! The new Furby is out. Be prepared to talk to it in its native language (Furbish – rhymes with rubbish). I checked out one of the sites for some updated Furby info, and it seems the little fur-ball is capable of expressing several annoying emotions, including angry. Angry? Yeah, that’s what I want in my house, an angry Furby. Nuh uh. I’ve seen Gremlins and also those horror movies with the satan-possessed dolls. Nope, no sir, no thank you.

Here’s one for ya. It’s a memory stick. No! It’s a lighter. Yup, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought, Man! I sure wish someone would invent a lighter/memory stick. Well, now we’ve got one. Stuck on what to get the nicotine-aholic/cyber-junkie in your family? Ta-daaaa! Just one question. When the lighter runs out of fuel, does the memory go bye-bye? www.memlite.com

Probably a really good thing this one went away. Back in 2004, before we were blindly walking across eight lanes of traffic while texting, a company called Eyetop came out with... drum roll, please...a DVD player and sunglasses combo. Yup, the way it was supposed to work was you looked through the left eyepiece (the sunglasses part) and with your right eye you watch the video in the right eyepiece. Yeah, I could do that and drive. Sure, why not?

Man, I sure miss Ronco.

Utter Randomness or Random Utterness

In Passing

We will miss you, Tony Nelson. That’s my favorite memory of Larry Hagman (1931 - 2012), as the harried yet lovable astronaut from his I Dream of Jeannie days. I was all about astronauts during that time (who wasn’t?), and absolutely loved the show. Now, I know there are plenty of Dallas fans out there, but for me, he was Major Anthony Nelson. Farewell, Mr. Hagman.

Words in the Media That Annoy Me

Pre-owned. As in a pre-owned car. What's that even mean? When did used car come to be a bad thing? If something was pre-owned, that means before anyone owned it. Before anyone owned the thing, it was pieces/parts. Not a car. Pre-owned needs to go.

Melty. As in melty cheese. On a cheeseburger. Now we've taken a perfectly useful word (melt), slapped a 'y' on the end, and we have an adjective that attempts to describe a cheeseburger's qualities. As though melty was a flavor. Or a special thing. No. If someone hasn't melted the cheese on the cheeseburger, it needs to be sent back from whence it came.

Okay, that's all the brain fragments I have for now.

'til next time... Adios.

That's All, Folks

Ya gotta love those crazy Mayans and their wacky calendars. Well, it seems that a new Mayan text has “… emerged” with some updates on this whole End o’ the World thing. First off, how did this so-called Mayan text just ‘emerge’? Man, talk about slow cell phone service. Ol’ Knick-Knack Paddywhack (for folks not up on this Mayan stuff, my highly-medicated research staff tells me that’s the name of their Head Honcho in charge of Calendar Making) just upgraded his service, sent a text to his bank that the expected date of when he’d pay off his mortgage on his new condo pyramid would be December 21, 2012. Supposedly, he said something like, “Oh, yeah? Well, you just try and move us out of there. We do human sacrifices, plus, we’ve got hot oil. And, yeah, we’ll pay off that stupid balloon mortgage. On December 21, 2012! Yeah, that’s it! That’s the date! December 21, 2012, or the end of the world! How do ya like that?

Yup, ol’ Mr. Paddywhack had quite a temper on him.

But, now, let's say you're all set for the Big Day, and it doesn't come? Hey, buck up, there, Sunshine. It's not like it's (bad pun alert!) the end of the world. You think other Last Day forecasts haven't come and gone before? Here's a coupla examples of Final Forecasts that never came to pass.

Gregory of Tours (wonder if he was a travel agent?) way back when hedged his bets by predicting the Big Finish between 799 and 806 A. D. And, he still got it wrong.

Preacher Harriet Livermore forecast the Grand Finale for 1843, then tried again for 1847. Sorry, Harriet, wrong both times.

Sheldon Nidle used his psychic powers and foresaw the Final Curtain on December 17th, 1996, due to angels and spaceships. Man, that one shoulda happened. Not just angels, but spaceships, too.

And, let's just say, worst case scenario, it doesn't happen this time around. We've still got lots of chances in the future. Jeane Dixon is going for it again, with a forecast of somewhere between 2020 and 2037. Way to go on the accuracy, Jeane.

At any rate, if we hang around for another five billion years, the sun's gonna go Big Red. So, we always have that to look forward to.

'til next time... Adios.

Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown

For those of us who love the old Christmas TV classics, here’s a partial list of what’s coming when. You’ll still need to scan your local channels for the actual channel numbers. These are the sittin’ around the fire (real or virtual), eggnog (or hot chocolate or hot cider), snow on the outside, warm (hopefully) on the inside shows and movies I grew up with. Hope you find ‘em and enjoy ‘em.

One cautionary note. Times may change depending on which time zone you’re in. 8 o’clock here might be 7 elsewhere, so check your times carefully.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964) (8 PM, CBS, Tuesday, December 4^th, ) – one of my favorites of the Rankin/Bass productions. Gotta love Yukon Cornelius and the Abominable Snow Monster (Bumble).

Mr. Magoo’s Christmas Carol (1962) – if you’ve never seen this one, it’s a must-watch. For years they never aired it, and even if you’ve never seen the old Mr. Magoo cartoon, this is a sentimental favorite. And, they did their homework pretty well. Abe Levitow directed a batch of cartoons from 1959 to 1996, including this one. Some great voices went into Magoo, including Jim Backus, Morey Amsterdam, and Jack Cassidy.

Looks like we have to wait 'til December 20th for A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965) on ABC, theoretically at 8 PM. This is my all-time favorite. I even have my very own Charlie Brown Christmas tree at work.

Gotta move fast on this one. How the Grinch Stole Christmas! (1966) is on tomorrow night, November 27th, at 8 PM on ABC. Featuring Boris Karloff as both the Grinch and the narrator, and the wonderful June Foray as the voice of Cindy Lou Who. Ms. Foray is an icon among icons, giving life through her voice to a minimum of 277 cartoon characters, including Rocky J. Squirrel and Natasha of The Bullwinkle Show. And, she's still working.

Supposedly, if I can trust one of my Internet sources, The Grinch will reappear on Monday, December 17th, at 7 PM, if you miss tomorrow night's showing.

For all the Winnie the Pooh fans out there, of which I am one, Winnie the Pooh & Christmas Too (1991) airs on Tuesday, December 4, at 6 PM on ABC Family. Another great voice actor, Jim Cummings, breathes life into the lovable bear.

That's about all the time I have for now. I'll list more classic Christmas classics soon.

'til next time... Adios.

Night and Day

I love checking out foreign horror movies. Like Forrest Gump said, well, sort of said, you never know what you're gonna get.

Night Watch (2004) and Day Watch (2006) are the beginning and ending of a Russian epic/vampire tale.

What's so unique about these films? Mainly, they're different. Different, as well, night and day. Yeah, cliche, I know. Okay, I'll stop trying to be clever. Just tell it.

There are all kinds of vampire stories -- straight-up comedy, horror-comedy, love story, pure horror, and these two. Horror but not slasher. They're a little gritty, and definitely not flashy.

And, we're introduced to a borderline-tragic hero who lives his personal life like one of the old dime novel detectives, occasionally having to get pig's blood on the cheap from a butcher who works both sides of the street.

Yes, these films (I have to speak of them as one, as they're so intricately connected), the creation of Russian director/writer Timur Bekmambetov, bust genres apart, as IMDb lists them as action/fantasy/thriller, but they're leaving out horror, epic battle, and one part love story.

Quoting IMDb again, they describe Bekmambetov's movies as surprising "... the viewers with eerie details, hectic pace, and unusual twists and turns...". I think that's a vast understatement. That's like saying Hitchcock does clever little murder mysteries. No, no. There's a heckuva lot going on there.

Images flash and dance across the screen in a nearly subliminal fashion, leaving my mouth hanging open, Wile E. Coyote-like. Each shot alone is not necessarily eerie or creepy, or frightening, but when they're threaded together the way he does, they're primordially scary and disturbing, without going for the gross-out.

Almost forgot to mention the musical score. He weaves in at times for some of the most potent action sequences a metal rock soundtrack that accelerates everything.

Like other large, epically-supernatural movies, we're given the idea that our world has contained humans and the Others, beings of supernatural abilities, that once fought a world-destroying battle for the fate of All. Two armies, good and evil, led by Zavulon (bad guy) and Geser (good guy), would have destroyed themselves and the world, if not for a truce called by Geser.

The truce sets up two police forces -- Night Watch and Day Watch, made up of Dark and Light Others. Night Watch makes sure the Light Others behave according to the Truce, and Day Watch does the same for the Dark Others. Confused? Yeah, me, too. I watched both movies for my second time the other day, and I'm still hashing them out. But, what I know is I love these films and even if you don't follow them, it's a ride-and-a-half down a screaming dark road at Midnight with Angels and Demons chasing you.

Flash to current day, and our hero, a guy named Anton, makes a deal with an old witch (shoulda known better, Anton). This one little act sets in motion a Rube Goldberg series of events that begins with Anton realizing he's an Other (can't tell you if he's Light or Dark -- you gotta find out for yourself) and ending (?) with the End o' the World (yeah, back to the World Ending thingy again).

Only a couple of places where I'll pick nits. When we get to the second movie, Day Watch, he (Timur) concocts a convenient plot device called The Chalk of Fate. Without that, Really Bad Things Could Happen. To quote Stan Lee, "'nuff said".

Overall, this is an incredible Diabolical Duo of movies, and one of the things I loved was how Bekmambetov connected parts of his own life within the films. For instance, the Light Others go on patrol in what looks like a large yellow furniture-moving truck, with lettering on the side of the vehicle that says they're with the Department of Energy. So happens that Bekmambetov's dad worked for the Guryev Energy Company.

Night/Day Watch has knights of old and knights of young, shape-shifters, witches, sorcerers, vampires, and just all kinds of, well, fun strangeness.

My suggestion -- track down these films, cloister yourself for a few hours with the lights down, and go for it. The fate of just about everything is in your hands.

'til next time... Adios.

Turkey Day!

Actually, I'm cool with lasagna for Thanksgiving, so whatever you like to eat, enjoy.

Got the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade on the ol' flat panel.  Actually, it's on nearly every TV in the house, so that way we don't miss anything as we go from room to room.

They've been doing the parade for 86 years.  I still remember Underdog as one of the floats.  I doubt they have him anymore, but they're going to have Kermit the Frog.  Kermie first appeared in the parade in 1977.

Yes, I'm still a big kid at heart.

They just had the cast of Annie performing a few minutes ago.  It's been playing for 35 years!

Oh, cool, just saw the Charlie Brown balloon drifting by -- he's still trying to kick the football.  And, the Rockettes are doing their thing.  They haven't aged a bit.  Flawless as ever.

Here are a few Macy's Day factoids.

It first cranked up back in November 27th, 1924.

The first TV broadcast of the parade was 1948.

And, now, a tip o' the hat to some balloons of the past, retired but not forgotten -- the Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz; the Cat in the Hat; and, the Sinclair Oil dinosaur, now extinct.

Signing off for now to finish watching the parade.

'til next time... Adios.

No Waiting

What I like most about this current age of computer technology is how it’s sped things up for us. Once, back in the early days of PC’s, you’d turn it on, hit the bathroom, brew a cup of java, and… maybe it would be booted up by the time you got back.

Then, we got newer, faster computers with more applications that could do more stuff for us. And, while our programs loaded (if they loaded at all) the designers put a friendly little “progress bar” on our screens that snailed their way back and forth, hypnotizing us while we waited again.

But, wait, there’s more. That was the message given us on the ads for the M-tel Slice-o-matic and the Magic Egg Smasher.

TV news promises “More to come…” some time during the day, that if we wait until the 11 o’clock news, all shall be revealed.

Meanwhile, the various not-so-smart phone manufacturers tell us to wait for the new version, the new phone, or wait for our call to go through.

And still the computer companies want us to wait for the latest/greatest operating system, hardware, or whizbang that will connect us all through the Ultranet and give us unlimited knowledge.

If I wait for the next model of a car with the Zypp Onboard Navigation System, it will drive me to my destination, drop me off, and tell me to have a nice day.

Conversely, if I wait too long, I’ll miss my opportunity to get this great sale for THIS ONE DAY ONLY! And, I’ll never ever be able to get the same deal on this 800 bazillion-pixel fourth dimensional wrap-around sound/TV/home theater ever again.

And, if I wait too long I can’t get my phone/TV/music/cable/computer/automated home butler and security system butler all packaged together.

At any rate, my coffee is brewed. Think I’ll grab the pen and paper.

A Made-for-TV Christmas

Pardon me while I wax sentimental here. But, did something happen between, oh, I don’t know, A Christmas Story, or even National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation and now? Yes, I know, it’s a rhetorical question. But, how did we get to Holiday in Handcuffs? Or The Twelve Dates of Christmas?

Here’s a brief, brief rundown of Handcuffs. Melissa Joan Hart/kidnapping at gunpoint/weirdly strange family get-together/everyone ends up happy. There was talk of a sequel, but really, how do you top this one?

The Twelve Dates of Christmas has Amy Smart reliving her Christmas Eve date twelve times. Now, there’s an original idea.

Just so you know, there are a blue gazillion of these out there.

Yes, I’ll be the first to admit, I’m an old softie, especially when it comes to Christmas movies and specials (although I do have a special fondness for Billy Bob Thornton’s Bad Santa). I have to watch A Charlie Brown Christmas and Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas! (the animated one) every year. I’ll listen to Christmas carols on the radio ‘til I’m sick of them (so I have to pace myself by listening to some Pink Floyd or a little jazz). I have some of my favorite lines form It’s a Wonderful Life (My mouth’s bleeding, Bert!) and either the Alistair Sim or the Mister Magoo version of "A Christmas Carol" (God bless us, everyone); then, there’s A White Christmas or the companion movie, Holiday Inn. Yep, love ‘em all. Sitting there with my wife and cats, drinking eggnog (no bourbon, please).

But, now, Hallmark channel and one other have gone all Syfy channel by cranking out any kind of variation of a Christmas-themed movie. There always has to be a crisis that’s solved by either elves, magic, or the Big Guy himself (Santa). Or, just plain old-fashioned hard work. I know, I’m not being fair, as I haven’t watched any of these new films. But, it just has the feeling of them selling a product to me. And, perhaps they’re actually good. But, with titles like Holiday in Handcuffs, well…

For me, as Charlie Brown says in timeless fashion, “Linus is right; I won’t let all this commercialism ruin my Christmas."

‘til next time… Adios.

Brain and brain. What is brain?

Ever wanted to control something with the power of your mind? Sure, who hasn't? I always loved all the sci-fi shows and movies where telekinesis played a part.

Well, a few years ago at the Consumer Electronics Show, a game called Mindflex pegged everyone's meters. Released on the market back in 2009, the game itself is pretty mindless. Players wear a headband that picks up their brain waves. Takes a little practice, but after a while you learn how to turn a fan on or off that controls a ball around a track, Rube Goldberg-style.

That was three years ago. Where's the game now?

My research staff tells me you can get it online at places like Amazon, Target, and Toys"R"Us.

There's also a similar version called Mindball from a Swedish company, Interactive Productline.

Wonder if I can buy one just by thinking about it. Hey, maybe I can mentally move some electrons around to make them think I paid for it, too.

'til next time... Adios.

How Low Can We Go?

We always hear about opening weekends in the millions of dollars. But, how about 1000 dollars? Or 100? Or, even 20? Yep, it’s true.

We have all kinds of stats on top-grossing films. So, how about this? What about the lowest-grossing movies?

Ever heard of Zyzzyx Road?  I hadn't either.  Though it hit theaters in 2006, so it's in recent history; and, featured actors Tom Sizemore and Katherine Heigl (not especially known for A-list performances -- think One for the Money), its all-time gross is 30 bucks.  Not 3,000 or 30,000.

 

30.  As in 30 one dollar bills.  I might even have that much on me at the moment.  This came from a total of six people.  Yep.

 

One problem (among oh so many) was that they didn’t distribute it. Y’know, it’s like playing the lottery. You won’t make money if you don’t play. ‘Course, perhaps they knew when they finished that they didn’t have the winning ticket.

 

I'm working up a list of other films that also rank among the rankest of the rank, as far as box office returns.  Stay tuned.

 

Wonder how I can get a copy of Zyzzyx Road?  And, how the heck do I pronounce it?

 

'til next time... Adios.

He Died How?

I’d forgotten how much I love the 1960’s comedies. We just watched What a Way to Go! (1964), one of those zany (yes, I actually used the word ‘zany’) movies with a whole batch of great star-power back in the day. Shirley MacLaine plays Louisa May Foster (got to love that name), small-town girl who tells the story in a series of flashbacks to psychiatrist Dr. Victor Stephanson (Bob Cummings – anyone remember him?), who’s doing the whole 1960’s-Freud-thing, complete with couch. No goatee or fake German accent, though.

Anyway, she’s talking to the Doc because everyone thinks she’s completely gone south as she wants to give away this humongous amount of money, I think it was 215 million. Now, that’s a lot of green stuff nowadays, but especially back then. So, she relates the stories of she came to this amount of money through the premature and extremely ironic, yet hysterical, demise of each of her four husbands.

The not-so-subtle message was that, if you follow a simple, Thoreau-like existence, you will live long and prosper (although not necessarily financially). If, however, you go the monetarily-successful route, you’d best be making out a will. As I hope Dick Van Dyke (Edgar – husband #1), Paul Newman (Larry -- #2), Gene Kelley (Pinky. Yes, Pinky. Not kidding. #3), and Robert Mitchum (Rod – #4) did, prior to their big chills.

So, what were they saying to us, the audience? This was 1964, the end of the Beat Era, but the next counterculture wave was just firing up. On the one hand, three of the husbands did what they wanted, purely, not worrying about money, career. In that sense, they seemed to poke fun lightheartedly at the Youth Rebellion, as it was once termed. But, then again, once they sold out and became uber-successful, driven, mega-millionaires, well, that didn’t work out well for them, either. Louisa did alright, though.

Directed by J. Lee Thompson, he directed films over a span of 39 years, ranging from comedies such as this one and 1965’s John Goldfarb, Please Come Home! (another farcical comedy) to The Guns of Navarone (1961) – a great WWII movie and The Evil That Men Do (1984), a Charles Bronson thriller.

It was fun to see that collection of old-schoolers together and young again, and just having a great time in a rambunctious 60’s fun-fest. Not necessarily one to own, but certainly deserving a watch or two. Check it out.

'til next time... Adios.

No Laughing Matter, continued

Such a sad character Conrad Veidt portrayed, despite his (the character's) severe facial deformity. Mr. Veidt continued to amaze me, scene-to-scene, with his ability to give us so much of what was going on within him. The crowds who gathered to see him laughed, but we, the film-watchers, saw so much emotional pain at times. But, then, when he truly was happy, or content, we saw that, too. Conrad Veidt was an actor of rare and powerful talent.

Just a couple of more bits of trivia before I close.

Our old friend, German Expressionist Paul Leni, directed The Man Who Laughs. Mr. Leni directed two other early classics of horror/mystery, Waxworks (1924), and The Cat and the Canary (1927).

The Man Who Laughs is based on Victor Hugo's novel of the same title, but from what I understand (I haven't read the book), the movie ends a little differently from the novel. Can't say anything more -- spoiler alert.

Originally, Lon Chaney, Sr., was slated to play Gwynplaine, but contractual obligations prevented him from doing so. Probably a good thing, as Mr. Chaney already was in the habit of abusing his body enough for various roles. As it was, Conrad Veidt wore specially-designed dentures with metal hooks to produce the permanent grin. Man, talk about suffering for you art!

The Joker, the main arch-villain of Batman, was inspired by Gwynplaine. At least the permanent smile was. Otherwise, any similarities between The Joker and Gwynplaine parted company severely.

Well, that's about it for now.

'til next time... Adios.

A Storm By Any Other Name

Okay, so what happened? How the heck did we get left out of the event-naming phenomenon courtesy of our friends at The Weather Channel?

East Coast just got through with Hurricane Sandy, which evolved (or, rather, devolved) into Tropical Storm Sandy (although it might have lost its name status when it became a tropical storm), and then, and ya gotta love this, it became Superstorm Sandy. So, first of all, what's the difference between a regular storm, or a tropical storm, and a superstorm? Does it have a cape?

Then, we had Winter Storm Athena (got to make sure we capitalize the words 'Winter' and 'Storm') and Winter Storm Brutus.

So, we just had a 4.3-magnitude quake here in Kentucky and it doesn't have a name yet. What gives? I mean, come on! It rattled seven states. Seven states! Doesn't that count for anything?

At any rate, I feel it warrants a letter to The Weather Channel (cordial, of course) with a few name suggestions. Here they are:

Earthquake Clay -- in honor of a couple of our notable past politicians.

Earthquake Jacob -- good ol' Biblical name.

Earthquake Hamilton -- going back to a good, solid presidential name.

Or, let's jazz things up a little. Since we can have a Superstorm, how about something more dramatic, like:

Building Pulverizer Xena.

And, why stop with just winter storms? Let's keep it going, with F4 Tornado Tess, Windstorm Adam, Rain Event Frederick. Just not sure if anyone would want their name associated with a Drizzle, though.

'til next time... Adios.

Super-heroes in Tights

Just a couple of thoughts about the evolution of Superman, otherwise known as The Big Blue Boy Scout, over the years.  He's always been one of my favorite super-heroes, right up there with Batman (although it could be argued that The Bat isn't a super-hero).  But, Supes' powers have gone up and down since his origin.

 

He started out where he could stop a bullet, but probably not a mortar shell. He could run faster than a freight train, and do the whole “… leap tall buildings…” thing, but he couldn’t fly. Then, later, he could fly. But, now he’s allergic to kryptonite (must be bad, being allergic to a chunk of your home planet).

At one time, he could move planets and fly through time.  Then, he couldn’t.

 

Oh, yeah, he's also been dead, then came back with Fabio hair.  Wonder what's next?

 

That's all I've got for now.  'til next time... Adios.

Like Father, Like Son?

It's just amazing what hits the cutting room floor of some movies.  Take a look at this from one of the Star Wars films:

“Luke… I am your father.”

“Noooo! It can’t be true!.... Well, then, Dad, can I borrow the keys to the family spaceship?”

“What? No… You don’t get it. We’re going to rule the galaxy together.”

“Rule the galaxy? You never even played catch with me.”

“Uh, sorry, son, I was busy, with… work. Yes, that’s it. Work.”

“Sure, keep talking, old man. I know what kind of work.”

“No, really, I was. I was trying to find you and your sister.”

“Yeah, yeah. Oh, and hey, my sister’s pretty hot and all, and I don’t think she knows she’s my sister, so, I was thinking…”

“What? Whoa! Luke, now, that’s just weird. She’s your sister, for Yoda’s sake.”

“That’s weird? Hey, look who’s talking, Mr. All-Dressed-in-Black. And, that helmet. I mean, come on, Dad. And, besides, you tried to kill us.”

“Oh, yeah…. Um, about that. You know, things were really weird back then with the Emperor and all. And, what’s wrong with my helmet?”

“It looks stupid. If I move back in with you, I can’t have any friends over, not with you looking like that and all. And, this thing with the Emperor. You and he aren’t, I mean, you’re not, uh…?”

“What? Whoa! No way, I mean, no, I’m not gay, and even if I was, it sure wouldn’t be with him. Oh, gross, son, he’s all wrinkly and ugly, and, well, he’s got that laugh. I hate that laugh.”

“Okay, so, can I move in, then, Dad?”

“Well, okay, I guess that would be okay. But, you’re going to have to get a job.”

“Hey, I’m a Jedi!”

“Huh! Like that pays the bills. Let me tell you…”

“Uh, Dad, can it wait? I’ve sort of got this problem here. I mean, you did just cut off my hand.”

“Oh, sure, sorry, son. Let’s get you patched up.”

“And, we’re gonna have to work on your outfit, Dad. The black’s cool, but the helmet, I don’t know. And the cape? Gotta go. Oh, and can I have a party tonight?”

“Aw, jeez…”

No Laughing Matter

What to say of The Man Who Laughs (1928)? I suppose I wasn’t eager to watch it at first. Wasn’t really sure how disfigured he (Conrad Veidt’s character, Gwynplaine) would be. It just didn’t fit my idea of a horror film. And, even though what I now consider a horror film has expanded since our band of horror warrior first united over four years ago, I need to refine and redefine it further.

I don’t necessarily want to harp on many current so-called horror movies. Several of these I would term splatter or gross-out films.  But, there are some fine modern horror movies out there, and not just from the U.S. But, what we once thought of as a horror film has changed.

One possible definition of horror is 'repulsive'. So, In The Man Who Laughs, Gwynplaine’s disfigured face might be considered repulsive or horrifying to some, although most often in the film the reaction of the other characters was laughter. For myself, the horrifying part of the film concerned that which was done to Gwynplaine.

Okay, enough philosophizing.

When The Man Who Laughs came out we were closing in on the tail end of the German Expressionist era. The film hit theaters during the transition from silent films to “talkies”, and the first feature-length talkie (The Jazz Singer) was released just six months earlier. The Man Who Laughs had sound effects and music, but no dialogue. And, I think, it’s perfect the way it is. I’m not so sure that it wouldn’t have taken something away by having the actors speak.

I felt great sympathy for Gwynplaine. The story begins with Gwynplaine as a small boy, the prince, a victim of political betrayal and maneuverings he had no part in. Surgically disfigured with a permanent grin, rather than horrified, tears stung my eyes as I watched him in his early years, an outcast, trying to survive. Then we see his gentle nature as he rescues an orphan girl. This is no monster. He is the victim. Those who did this to him are the monsters.

Our story picks up years later. Gwynplaine and Dea, the girl he saved (who is blind), have an adopted father who loves them. All perform in the old man’s travelling circus, where Gwynplaine is accepted among the other performers.

I loved this movie, primarily due to Conrad Veidt’s ability to show so much emotion with only his eyes. And, then, the storyline, too, was wonderfully interwoven. I read that the ending of the movie differs from that of Victor Hugo’s book, but I enjoyed the film so much I’m not sure I’ll read the book. This is a genre-less movie, primarily because the story encompasses everything from adventure to melodrama, political intrigue to love story. And, we have a truly memorable character in Gwynplaine.

Ah, I have so much more to tell of this great film, but I've run out of time for the evening.  I shall pick back up tomorrow.

 

'til next time... Adios.

Duck and... What?

Taking a blast back to the past, and recalling an old motto from the early Atomic Daze, how's about the term "Duck and Cover"?  Anyone remember that one?  Referring to what we're supposed to do if we see one of those Red Balloons, to borrow from an 80's song by Nina.  The Big One.  Mushroom Cloud.

Got to thinking about it in honor of this being 2012 and all, and there won't be a 3013, according to the Mayans.  Ah, those pranksters.  They never told us they just ran out of paper for the calendar.  Oh, well.

So, how many different disasters, real and imagined, have we had to “duck and cover” or “stop, drop, and roll” to over the years? Right now we have the Great Central U.S. ShakeOut, in preparation for the Shake and Quake that’s supposed to happen here smack dab in the middle of the good ol’ US, thanks to the New Madrid Fault. And, the motto for this one is “drop, cover, and hold on”. So, now I’m all confused. Now I have to remember which one of the disasters it is we’re having. For an atomic attack when they deliver some ordinance to us, we do the “duck and cover”. But, if there’s a fire I have to “stop, drop, and roll”.

Okay, so what happens if I get mixed up, and there’s a fire, but I’m thinking it’s an atomic attack. And all I remember is something about ducking and stopping. Or maybe I stop and duck. What then? Or, say I get really confused and I remember it as “step on a duck” and there aren’t any ducks handy. And, besides, I don’t want to step on any ducks, anyway. No, I can most assuredly say that I will not step on any ducks.

So, there I am. No ducks around to step on and I’m not gonna step on them, anyway.

We’ve got nuclear blasts, fire, and earthquakes covered, but what about the others? You know, like tornadoes, floods, lava flows, Beanie Baby attacks, fire sales, Black Friday, Red Thursday, and whatever other Big Bad Things head our way.

 

At any rate, I think we should all just "Party Like It's 1999", referring to that 80's song by the musician with no name.

 

'til next time... Adios.

Attack of the Clowns

Here's a little review I did a few years back.  Actually, more of a parody of Star Wars II:

Once upon a time there was an angry young man named Mannequin Starstomper
Mannequin had a lot of little critters inside him called Mighty-Chlorines.
These little critters made him very strong in the Farce. His wise and noble
teacher, Ooby-Dooby Kenooby, who was a powerful Popeye warrior, instructed
him in the ways of the Farce, He also told him, "Now, pay attention, my
young Paddywack learner," and showed him how to use the Farce to make fruit
float in the air.

Now, this young man was in love with a senator named Rama-lama. Rama-lama
loved him, too, but because of some bad directing from a very powerful yet
misguided Popeye warrior by the name of Forge Tookus, they were unable to
express their love for one another.

This made the young Mannequin very angry and he had a tantrum. Then he
found out that his Mom was kidnapped by Toucan Raiders and he went to rescue
her, but she died just as he freed her, and then he was REALLY angry because
she got out of the movie but he had to stay in it.

So, young Mannequin went Neanderthal and did a Vega-matic on the Toucan
village. That was the Dark side of the Farce at work.

Well, actually, he didn't stay with the Dark side very long, but he couldn't
quite go back to the Light side, either, so he was just kind of hanging out
in the Tan side of the Farce.

Now, while Rama-lama and Mannequin were trying not to get their
Mighty-Chlorines mixed up with their hormones, Ooby-Dooby Kenooby was
tracking down a bounty hunter named Bo Jangles Fett. Bo Jangles was having
clowns made of himself. These clowns were being bought and paid for with
government money by the strange and mysterious Count Dracula, except he
didn't have his fangs anymore as he had become very old. All he could do
was shuffle his feet across the carpet and shock people.

So, anyway, Count Dracula, who is actually a student of a really nasty dark
lord named Barf Ridiculous, is going to fight the Popeye warriors with his
clowns. But, a very powerful and tiny Popeye named Yodel, takes control of
the clowns and Count Dracula has to fight with a bunch of leftover Druids
from the last movie. Lots of body parts got cut off, but there was no
blood, as this is a PG movie (which means Pretty Good, but I think something
bad happened.).

Count Dracula runs away and Ooby-Dooby and Mannequin chase after him and get
in a fight with the evil Count Dracula. Count Dracula beats them up and
cuts off Mannequin's arm, but there's still no blood. Then, Yodel walks in
and says, "Draw, you will, evil Count Dracula," and Yodel proceeds to get
all John Wayne and everything, and we find out that Count Dracula was once
Yodel's Paddywack learner.

So, then, Yodel turns into a little green Tasmanian devil and he and Count
Dracula use their flashlights against each other, but Count Dracula escapes
because in order to kill a vampire you really need to use a wooden stake.
But, that's okay, because young Mannequin and Rama-lama get hitched after
Mannequin gets a new hand and everyone made a lot of money using the Farce,
especially Forge Tookus.

The End. Kind of.

'til next time... Adios.  And, may the Farce be with you.