The App-le of My Eye

Our iPhones, Androids, Blackberries, Blueberries, uPhones, and Boisenberries are great, aren’t they? And, they can do pretty much anything. Find the nearest coffee shop, listen to music, get us lost as well as any paper map can. Heck, they even work as phones.

Sometimes.

But, with so many app choices out there, how do you know which ones to download (or, is it upload? sideload?) At any rate, my research staff did some high-quality research recently into Angry Birds cheats. No, uh, I mean, they researched some really nifty keen apps that you absolutely have to have.

Here’s what they found:

For $0.99 you can get Bowel Mover Pro (iPhone/iPad), to track, yessiree, your intestinal functionality. It’s got a handy dandy checklist and calendar for recording time-of-day, how often, your stress level, how much water you consumed, and even… the texture. What a deal for ninety-nine cents, huh? Can’t remember if you went yesterday or the day before? Fear not. Now, you’ll always know what your poo’s been up to.

Here’s a free one for you. Called Hold On!, this challenging app tells you how long you can press a button on the phone.

Yep, that’s it. I’m not making this up. And, you can also try to break your own record, as it keeps a record of your attempts.

Wow. Now, there’s a must-have.

iBeer. This app’s from across the pond, our cousins in England. And, guess what it does. It simulates pouring a pint; then, you can touch your iPhone to your mouth and drink a virtual beer. If you’re really into it, you can get virtually drunk, then virtually pass out, and wake up in the virtual slammer. Wonder if there’s a virtual lawyer? At £1.19 (yep, it's in pounds), it’s a virtual steal.

iFart. Spend hours entertaining (some would say annoying) your family and friends with a nearly unbelievable library of types to choose from. The app I have is called the Atomic Fart, and for all of us juvenile adults, it is capable of a wondrous variety. It’s also free, as is iFart. I have not, as yet, compared the two apps to see which is better. I wonder if this could somehow combine with iBeer? Did I mention it’s free?

VoiceChameleon. Talk into into your iPhone or Android, etc., and what comes out is the celebrity’s voice of your choosing. Can mimic political officials’ or other powerful figures’ voices. Useful for doing James Bond voice-access-code password stuff.

Nope. Kidding. At least, so far as I know, I am.

Eight-Track Player. Takes any of your music on your phone and plays it as though it were an old eight-track player, complete with warble, distortion, rumble, and other sound effects of your choosing. Great for the nostalgics amongst us.

Nope. Kidding again.

And, then, for the folks who have more money than they know what to do with, there's the Black Diamond app. At 200 dollars, you get wallpaper for your phone of a... get ready.... black diamond.

Yup, that's it. And, if black is not your color, there's the Blue Diamond app. Really not kidding.

There you go. Just a sampling of the absolute gotta-have-em apps out there. Now, get out there and support the industry.

'til next time... Adios.